Well, I think I just ruined a friendship, possibly. I finally broke down and told Tom that I still like him and until he figures it out, to leave me out of it. That's a long story that I don't feel like going into. Anyway, I feel better that I finally told him, but I know I'm probably gonna get hurt by him again in the end. Maybe then I finally get over him. Who knows? I'll have to see how this plays out.

It compeletly sucks ass to have your dog put to sleep. Just thought the universe should know.

Well, I haven't been doing much on here and I kinda need to vent a little. I'm in a relatively decent mood considering that my mom has three stitches in her hand because my puppy decided to take a chunk out of my mom's hand over an empty bowl that she had finishe dlicking out. So, needless to say, I got the sh*t scared out of me when my dad yelled up the stairs for me and told me what my puppy had done. I was so ticked last night. Luckily, my mom is okay and she just has a few stitches. Plus, my friend Tom is still being an idiot, but that's nothing new. I don't even feel like commenting on what he told me, it's just that he needs to stop with the whole "player" attitude because I think that's what gets him in trouble with girls. He's a sweetheart, but, well, it's complicated. Oh well, there isn't anything I can do about it. Anyway, I love my new layout. It was made by janine42584. Sylar.......drool...I so do not have a life.

Right now, I’m not quite sure of anything anymore. I’m surrounded by people and yet, I feel so alone. My family’s been great, but right now, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. And when I see my friends, I feel like they have to force themselves to talk to me and to even bother to spend time with me. Like my one friend, he asked me if I was mad at him because he didn’t hang out with me when we were supposed to. My thoughts were sort of along the lines of "I don’t even know why you’re mentioning it cause there’s no point cause I feel like you’re forcing yourself to speak to me and you can’t even force yourself to spend time with me." It’s sad because ever since I got home tonight, all I did was cry off and on. I’m watching comedies to try and make me laugh and hopefully express some kind of emotion, but it isn’t working. Now Im sitting here on my bed and as I’m writing this, I’m crying again. Well, if any my friends read this, I’m sorry if I made you feel bad, but I just feel this way and I just don’t know how to make them go away.

Where can I begin to start? I feel as though my life has been in chaos for the last five months and I don't understand how I've gotten to this point. Here are a few topics as to why my life is in chaos.

Subject #1: Tom
It began in March, around a former friends birthday. Her ex-boyfriend, Tom, who has been my good friend for about 2 years now, told me he loved me through a text message on the night of her birthday party. For about a month after that, he flirted with me and told me he loved me again and again, also through text messages by the way, and also told that he wanted to sleep with me. It was very strange. And I hate to admit still, I fell for him. I know, that was really f*ckin stupid of me. Well, we continued this little dance for about a month and a half, and then, on the night of the first anniversary of my grandmother's death, he told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship and stuff like that. He told that he didn't care anymore. I told him that all I did was care about him, but I guess that wasn't good enough for him. I still can't believe that he told me this, but he said it wasn't, not anymore. I was crushed. I don't know what happened, but I know someone had to have said something to him. I think it was his ex-girlfriend, Monica. At the time, we were fighting. She's speaking to me now,m but I'll get to that later. Anyway, it was hard to be around him and it still is. The sad part is that I still like Tom very much. I must be out of my mind to still like him after all of this. When he texted me, he'd always say "Hey, wats up hon" and stuff like that. It made me happy that someone liked me for a change. After that, he texted me and he told me that he was trying to change for me and stuff like that because I was a good person to be around. I'm not sure if I can believe anything he tells me anymore. Then after that, he called me "hon" again in one of his text messages. I just don't know what to believe when it comes to Tom anymore. And then, when he showed up at my open house party with his mom, he gives me flowers, though I'm not sure if they were his idea or his mom's. Hopefully, they were his.

Edit: I just found out about 3 hours ago that it was more thsn likely Monica who is the one who screwed up potentional relationship with Tom, which really pisses me off. I heard it from my union steward down at work, Dawn. She told me that she heard about it from Monica. THe only real question is now is did somebody tell her, like possibly Ashley, who knew about the whole thing, but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and believing that she didn't spill the beans, or it was pretty obvious from the way me and Tom were acting towards each other. And from what Dawn said, it was kinda obvious how we felt about one another.

Subject #2:Monica.
She is my ex-friend turned acquaintence, plus she's the ex-girlfriend of my friend/semi-love interest Tom. The whole reason we fought was because she told me that her goal for the summer was to sleep with Tom. She told me this straight faced and I honestly thought she was serious. She never told me that it was a secret or anything like that. I know she has slept with guys and I know she has not used protection. I've been through 2 pregnancy scares with this girl and that is not a good sign to me. I know one of the guys that she has been with is a man-whore and everyone knows it. Due to that and not knowing how many guys she has been with, I told Tom. And him, being the dumbass that he can be, spilled the beans to Monica. And she calls me up and bitches me out on the phone and says she's gonna kick my ass and that I'm lucky Heather was there to hold her back. As far as I'm concerned, I was within my discretion to inform one of my friends that they were gonna be used. I didn't want to see anyone get hurt. Monica told me that it was a joke. When she told me this, there was no indication that it was a joke whatsoever. I'm sorry, but I don't think it's right to joke about something like that, using someone is wrong on so many levels. Everyone had been telling to get away from her for months because she was dragging me down with her and her bad attitude was rubbing off on me. Now she is talking to me again and I know in my heart that the only reason she is talking to me again is to get whatever she can out of me. The last two times she calle dme was for a ride. And then, she invited me to a concert with her and Heather. The only two reasons that I could see that she invited me for was so that I would drive and that she was hoping that I would buy alcohol for her and Heather, who are both underage, by the way. I had agreed to go to the concert, but I backed out because I refused to be used anymore. I feel bad about backing out, but I had a good reason to.

Edit: God, I hate backstabbing bitches


Subject #3: Heather
Me and Heather used to be real goods friends. I considered my sister and one of my best friends. She told that I was her best friend. Ever since she started hangin out with Monica, her attitude has just gotten worse. The Heather I know would have never gone down to another state and gotten involved with a guy who had a girlfriend and then slept with him on top of it. And when she came back from her trip to Tennessee with Monica, all she wanted to talk about was how she slept with this guy and how he's sending her pics and stuff. I just don't know what is going on with her anymore. I feel like I've lost one of my best friends.

Subject #4: Losing my job
This hasn't really sent my life into chaos, It's just a bitch trying to find a new job. Losing my job a Shop N' Save is one of the best things that could've happened to me.

That's pretty much it as to why my life's in chaos (at lesat to me) right now. With all of this going on in my life, it just makes my head spin. Hopefully, things will work out. I feel a little bit better now that I've vented. Now I'm going to either work on my crosstitch or play GTA, I'm not sure which. Ja ne!

I had surgery yesterday. My gall bladder had to be removed because it was only performing at a quarter of the capacity that it should have been. I went in the hospital Tuesday at 10:00 at night and was admitted into the hospital at 2 in the freakin morning. They ran tests all day on Wednesday. Then to top it off, the doctor came in Thursady morning and told me he was stumped. WTF!!!!!!! I was pissed. A doctor is not supposed to be stumped. Anyway, he told me that if I could hold down food that I could go home. Later that day, he called back and told me that he was wrong. I guess he had someone read the results of the tests to him and they read it to him wrong. He apologized for the inconvience about the mixup and he said that they would take out my gall bladder on Friday. Well, they took it out and I now have 4 holes in my stomach. I'm off work until they're healed. Plus, I'm in happy pain medication land for awhile, which is always nice. I'm going back to bed.

Is it the world's intention to drive me flippin crazy? Came home Tuesday night and found a comment on my MySpace blog went I vented about my problems about a week ago It was my friend Mike. Basically, the whole thing was blasting me for venting my problems. Excuse me, it's a free country and I have a right to talk about whatever the hell I wanna talk about in my blog. All of myfriend know me wll enought to know that I need to vent somewhere or I will let everything bottle up inside and I would more than likely kill someone. And then on top of it, he basically told me that me and best friend are full of sh*t. I was mad as hell. I got so upset and stressed from it that I sat in my rooom for an hour while my friends Chris and Andrea were talking to me and calming me down from cutting my wrists with one of my knives. I know it wasn't the smartest thing to do but my mind was not working right. Then again after I come home form work it never does work right. But I'm fine now and Mike apologized but I still can't trust him again. I hate having this happen to me. People that I trusted are now hurting me even after they said woudn't do it again. Andrea told me that I should take a break from them and I think she's right. now if I could jsut get them to leave me alone. *sigh* Oh yeah, Erica, if you read this, I figured you should know: The 2-year old wants to be my friend on MySpace.

I am so pissed off that it's not even funny. Probably the only one who will know what I'm talking about is my best friend, Erica, but I have to rant. My supposed friend, Daniel, tried to act like nothing was wrong when our friend, Mike, pissed me and Erica off by being an ass. I just flat out told him to leave me alone and I'll leave him alone. I'm done with phony friends that only wanna hang out when it benefits them. I still have Dan's game. Oh well, I'll just trade it in with a few other games I don't want and buy something I'll play. I'm such a bitch. F*ck it. I should have scars from all the times I've been burned in the past couple months. I was right. Even though I told them what had been going on for awhile, nothing's changed. I was stupid and foolish to think that things would change. I should've known that it wouldn't.

Me not happy being depressed. I just finished reading The Phantom of Paris by Gwenith Vehlow and I cried beacuse the end sucked. It seems no matter what Phantom novel I read, the ending always ends up being sad and I end up crying. Grrrr... Plus, dealing with a certain idiot guy friend of mine is also driving me up the wall. I think I'll go read some fics that end the way they're supposed to. *Runs back to her hiding spot*

I hate having the flu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, now that I've said that, I feel a little bit better. My weekend just sucked ass. I've been sick since 3:00 in the morning on Friday night and I'm still not over it. It's so not fun to get up at 3 in the morning, go upstairs to get a drink and then puke your guts out. Where I puked, no one wants to know, believe me. And then, I had to put up with drunk stepdad all weekend who decided to act crazy last night and go pounding up and down the stairs while I was trying to get some sleep. I went to the doctor today to get some meds to hopefully get me better ASAP. Me and my mom drove by the Humane Society today, where my mom and my grandma had gotten my beloved dog Missy. It would have been 16 years dince we got her next month, but sadly, she passed away on December 30, 2004. It's still hard to believe that's my dear Missy is really gone. You think you're over something and then something will come out of the blue and remind you of someone you loved very much. It's been 2 and a half months since she died and still have to stop myself from going into my grandma's room and looking under her bed to see Missy there. When I let my other dog in, I still wanna call out Missy's name because I remember she never liked the cold that much. I have to stop myself from saying her name because I know I'll sound like an idiot for calling out my dead dog's name when she's been gone for 2 and a half months. I think it's hard for me to let go because I've had her as long as I can remember. It's hard to let go of someone who was that important to you. I guess I started thinking about it because when I was little and I got sick, I would always ask my mom to bring her down to stay with me. It's silly to wish she was still alive, when I know she's in a better place because she was sick for some time, but I can't help it. I think it's the selfish brat that I can be sometimes coming out when I wish she was still here in the flesh. I thik this whole entry is brought on partly by delerium from being sick and from making too many useless wishes. Whatever. It's ok to be a little selfish once in a while. Even if means making useless wishes. Anyway, I'm gonna go back to bed and try and knock this flu out of me. Ja ne!!!!

I know it's a little bit late to be wishing a Merry Christmas to people, but what the hell, I'm a happy mood. I got a lot of things I wanted. Here's a list of what I did get.

Mulan 2 disc Special edition
Aladdin 2 disc special edition
A new mouse for my comp that actually works right
Rainbow Brite plushie doll (I know it sounds stupid, but I really don't care what anyone thinks unless they know me personally and have the right to question my sanity if they read this.)
Myst IV : Revelation
Various bath items (I'm too lazy to type all of them)
Phoenix and Ashes by Mercedes Lackey
The Princess Diaries Special Edition

From my best friend Erica:
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
Maskerade by Terry Prachett
Sunfood Diet Success System (Thanks Erica for trying to help me shed some wieght)

From myself:
Sorcerer Hunters: The Complete Collection
Dirty Dancing: The Ultimate Edition
Please Save my Earth
The Dragon Queen by Alice Borchardt
Kare First Love
Sensual Phrase (These two manga are so cool. Check 'em out)


Now, it's time to rant. I had a lovely Christmas Eve. I went to church service with my real dad's parents and then my real dad, my stepmom and my stepsister joined us. After that, we went back to my grandparents house and i watched my grandpap and my dad get plastered by drinking beer and a hard liquer called Southern Comfort. My stepmom had a little bit of whiskey in her coffee, but not much. Me and my grandma were the only two non-drinkers, thank god. Then my dad proceeded to get behind the wheel of his car with me and my stepmom to drive me home while he was half drunk and falling asleep. About half way there, he almost drove us into a ditch. I thank the god and goddess that my stepmom took over and finished driving me home. When we finally get to my house, he wishes me a happy holiday and says he'll see me later, the only words he said to me that night. WTF???!!! He never asked me how I was or what I'd bee up to. God damn bastard. And then he almost kills us on the way home. He says he'll see me later, but does he ever dall and ask me to come over and visit or go spend some time with him? NO. There's no god damn way am I gonna try to reach out to him. He's ignored me my whole fucking life. Hellfires, my stepfather was more of a real father to me than my real dad ever was. My real dad spends more time on his stepkids that his own daughter. I'm the only fucking flesh and blood child he has!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Think I'm gonna want him to walk me down the aisle if Iever decide to get married? NO! Hmmm....should I rant about anything else? What the hell, why not? Guys are a big pain in my ass. I have the friend, well, I guess he's an ex-friend now since I'm not speaking to him and want nothing more to do with him. Mike and I have been friends since March, I think. Anyway, I began to have feeligns for him. Big mistake. I noticed with the way that he was acting, I thought he liked me as well. I mean, we were haning out all the time and he basically started to treat me like his girlfriend a little bit. It was about 2 months ago, when I had finally got the courage to tell him how I felt, when she showed up out of nowhere. I really don't know what the are, boyfriend/girlfriend, friends, fuck buddys...I don't really want to anymore. Anyway, she's living with him in his mom's house and his mom doesn't know she's living there. WTF??!! Granted, his mom is crazy, but she does have a right to know that someone is living in her house. About 4 weeks ago, I wrote him a letter (I know it's the coward's way) telling him how I felt, and he did nothing and treated me as if I'd never said anything. Then about 2 weeks ago, I sent him an email telling him we weren't friends any more and that I never wanted to see him again. He sent me an IM asking me what I wanted him to do and saying he didn't want to lose me as a friend and that he cares about me as a friend. I cried ymself to sleep for the next week after reading that. I never did answer him. If cares about me as much as he claims, he should've had more respect for my feelings since I told him how I felt. Evil fucking bastard. The little whore's probably gonnaup and leave him as soon as he's outlived his usefulness. I feel a lot better now that I've ranted. Oh, I would've done a cut or whatever you wanna call it, but I idn't for 2 reasons which I will give now:
1. I can't remember right now, nor do I want to try
2. It's late and even if I could remember, I can't keep my eyes open at this point.

I'm tired and I need my sleep. I going to bed and dream about lots of hot bishounen and hopefully get to Best Buy to get my InuYasha game and the 2nd movie. I can't wait to see InuYasha and Kagome kiss! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!! Ja ne and good night!!!

Besides, I don't really care what anyone thinks unless they know me and can yell at me for it.

I feel tears in my eyes but, I do not shed them. About 53 minutes ago this evening, my dear grandmother passed on to the next life. I know she does not want me to cry for because she has suffered enough for the past year due to her Altzheimer's and cancer. I know she is in a better place and that she is happy and safe. She lived a very full life and know she probably has no regrets. My grandma was one of the nicest people you could ever meet. She will be missed very much by me and family. We all loved her very much. I love you, Grandma. Goodbye.

Well, it's official, my life sucks. Not only did I not get to spend as much time with my best friend as I wanted to, I found that my grandma has cancer tonight. It's inoperable and they probably can't even do chemo or radiation. All it would do is maker her weaker than she already is due to her Alzheimer's. Life is just so unfair sometimes, ya know. I can barely remember a time when I looked at her and she actually knows who I am and who she is. I know that when she does pass on that she will be in a better place and not in pain anymore. My grandpa is waiting to hear from my dad and then he will make a decision whether or not to take her to a cancer specialist. *sniff* Later.

I just saw the first good movie that came out this year last night. 50 First Dates was the funniest movies i have ever seen. My fave part was when Drew Barrymore kicked the crap out Rob Schnieder's character by beating him with a metal baseball bat. Sean Astin is sooooooooooo HOT in this movie. I had to be careful not to drool on my two friends I was sitting in between when he came on. I am going go get some pics from this movie now. Ja ne!

God, I love this game. I just bought this Inuyasha game a few days ago and I still can't stop playing it. I love going around as Inuyasha and kicking the crap out of everyone, espiecially Kikyo. I really hate her. DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate having outbursts like that.

My stepdad is such a jacka$$. He got this whole freakin attitude and nobody knows why. So now he's going around treating everyone like sh*t. My friend who is living with me pissed me off again for the billionth time since she started living with my family but, that's another story. I love having this to vent on.

I got some new pictures of the actors from Lord of the Rings tonight. Hehe, I love them all. Later!

I hate being the last one to find cool things. Most of the time I hear about them from my best friend. Darn. In any case, I am now stuck with her cause I got snowed in at her house. I give us about and hour at the most before we kill each other.

There, I've placed my bet, Erica.

Anywayz, I gtg, cause knowing my luck, Erica will kill me sooner for being on her computer too long. I hope to get to meet some people later.